I still replay our conversations in my mind. I can still read the three words that had made all my defenses crumble, “just be mine.” It was full of longing. But I wasn’t able to reply even though I have been yours from the very beginning. Maybe because I saw the intensity in my own longing reflected in those words. I was a coward for not telling you and right now the agonizing pain of not being able to tell you torments me every single time. And it broke my heart that it was easy for you to say to put my heart out there again because clearly I am easily hooked. You chased me persistently and when I started to crumble you decided to walk away and told me that it was no big deal. How could I ever pick the pieces again? You told me to never contact you again even though the mere thought of not hearing from you again or blocking you takes my breath away.
The mere thought of you going on with your life, falling in love with another is a pain that I never thought that I would experience in my life.
I am dying thinking that there is no tenderness left for me.
I am trying to resist not to beg for you again. I am resisting the urge to tell you it’s killing me. And to ask you that if things had been different would everything be different today?
I have offered you my whole self but you chose to turn away from me saying you do not feel things as deeply as I am.
Then do the words you told me do not carry weight? Were they empty, only intended to charm and deceive me to give in to your desires in the end?
You are the biggest jerk Ugurkan. But I still want to hear from you again. How your day went. You’ve hurt me like no one else had.
VenusDeMalayo(VenusAtFar) 