VenusAtFar

Travels. Reviews. Reflections. Living.

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I am an aspiring lawyer and a poet. I love Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and Leo Tolstoy.

  • The Fear of Oblivion

    Resolution 20000*12000

    Maybe I don’t fear being forgotten. Maybe I fear having meant nothing.

    It rained the night before. This morning, the sun finally decided to show up, flooding the living room where I sit with its promise of a good day…or perhaps even a good week.

    So why, on such a beautiful morning, the thought of oblivion suddenly crossed my mind rearing its ugly head?

    Maybe because I once again remembered the face of the man I used to love. Someone once told me I am peculiar because I am not afraid of melancholy and almost make a home inside it.

    I turn every little thing said over in my head, making everything a courtroom trial, with myself cross-examining myself. It makes everything hard to forget. And honestly, I do not know if it is a curse or a blessing.

    However, the truth is, I have prayed to God to remove every memory of the face of the man that left me. I don’t care how drastic the move is. I just don’t think I can deal months of recalling someone who’s no longer a comfort to me.

    I wanted to forget…

    Yet strangely, I am afraid of oblivion. The other side of it. I don’t want to be forgotten. 

    Augustus Waters in The Fault in Our Stars when asked about his fears answered with a philosophical air as I would like to imagine it, “My fears? “I fear oblivion’ he said. “I fear it like a proverbial blind man fears the dark”

    To which Hazel Grace Lancaster replied rather hesitatingly. Hazel reminds him that there will come a time when all of us are dead, when there will be no human beings left to remember that we ever existed. She said that not even the memory of Aristotle or Cleopatra will matter. Oblivion is inevitable. Everything we built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten. I especially love the part where she said that maybe that time is coming soon or maybe its million years away but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. Did Hazel remind me of my own insignificance? Ouch.

    If I was in the middle of the room with them, I would blush. There is nothing sexier than a good banter between two people who like each other. To the man who left me, is this the depth you were looking for when we were still together?

    I digress. Once again. 

    I am similar to Augustus. I fear oblivion. The fear might have come from my desire to touch every stranger’s life that strays into mine. I long to leave a positive mark in another person’s life so much that when someone remembers my face, he/she would smile.

    I wouldn’t necessarily want statues erected in my name and biographies written about me. I want evidence that my existence mattered.

    If I could, I want to make the world a better place than when I found it.

    Maybe be a great lawyer and defend someone with no one willing to stand beside them. Maybe I would be someone who would free a person who has been falsely accused and open a door to an entirely new course in his life. 

    Or maybe smile to a stranger I would never cross paths with again. But at the very least, I am able to bring sunshine to his life and make him feel he matters because a stranger on a random day smiled at him. He might have had the worst day of his life. Or in the brink of giving up. Perhaps, a smile would be the very same thing that would keep him going that day. Maybe he will remember it for five minutes. Maybe for five years. Maybe he will forget it entirely. I will probably never know but at least, I have hope.

    Or maybe help and guide a stranger find his way to his destination. I would simply smile as I tell him directions. That way it would ease his fear of being lost. That would encourage him that it’s not so bad of an idea to ask. 

    I can also volunteer to help in a program somewhere where there is humanitarian crisis. Imagine hugging them and bringing them some of the warmth that has been absent from their lives for so long. I would be able to lift their spirits dampened by disaster or crisis. And for a moment, make them remember that there is still tenderness left in the world. It might be temporary relief, but who knows if the warmth would stay with them even long after I am gone.

    I don’t want people forgetting about me. I don’t want people wishing they have never met me.

    I would hate it when someone would try so hard to erase me from their imagination. Because that would mean I did not do them any good. Because that would mean I caused damage. It’s a simplistic way of analyzing interactions, I know. People forget for many reasons. People leave. People move on. Even the people we love most eventually become memories, and memories themselves become hazy.

    But I want to believe that if my face ever crosses someone’s mind years from now, there will be a little happiness attached to it.

    Not because I was extraordinary.

    Not because I changed the world.

    But because, for however brief a time, I was kind.

    And that’s the only hope I have against oblivion. Perhaps that is how I would want to be immortalized.

  • Started Writing Letters Again

    I’ve started writing letters again…

    Hello, Fos. 

    I completely understand your sentiment. It is unnecessary. But always a possibility. I hate wars just as you do. Civilians are always a collateral damage. You know what I had this weird notion that after World War I and II which the world saw as devastating to millions, nations would no longer be fighting against each other and that they would strive to settle differences with talks. But no, they’d rather fight with their weapons to see who will yield to each other. I am no more educated regarding the choices that leaders make but I just hope there is a way to not engage in war at all. I think, wars are bound to happen.

    I’d probably feel the same when I see the same poster branding a 20 year old as hero. Who would have known if he just wanted to be with his family instead of being in the frontlines of a war. I just wanted to know, before joining the war, were they really informed of what will they fight for? Was it explained to them fully? I don’t know, if you are going to lose your life, at least the state should give them the dignity of choice. Because to do otherwise would be compelete betrayal. Maybe branding him a hero is a consolation by the state. 

    I want to support death penalty but the justice system here in our country is imperfect.

    It should not be glorified but always a possibility, I believe. Countries don’t build nuclear weapons for no reason. 

    Have you considered retiring in another country? 

    You might not find your perspective fascinating but I do. Believe me I have never met someone as young as you who is so philosophical with life. I am not sure if it is a curse or a blessing being very conscious with the flow of time. 

    Let me share a little (or not so little. haha) something about me. When I was younger, I was the type who will only deal with the hand laid in front of me. I only had dreams but no timelines really. I would only push through the directions of my dreams and would do what I have to do and let fate take me where I am supposed to be. My college classmates even have the exact age when are they going to marry. I didn’t have such so at this age I am unmarried. Haha. I know I wanted to be a lawyer but I didn’t know when because of financial constraints. It was a dream that had been tucked away and kinda forgotten but somehow life has been kinder and now I am in my fourth year. What I am trying to say is go in the direction of what you want. Do it with integrity. And who knows your destiny will come find you. Too optimistic? I don’t know. It’s maybe because I am a prisoner of hope.  

    But you know nowadays, I can relate to your statement of becoming conscious of time. I find myself being just like that sometimes. Especially with being married. Some days, I become painfully aware of my age and my desire to have my own family. But then again, I would do what I have to do with integrity. 

    Indeed. Emotions cannot be controlled. I used to think I could stop myself from falling. I was able to do that for so long. What terrifies me and makes me cry is the realization that if I let my guard down, someone would have the capacity to ruin me. I felt a pain that permeates the entire being when we ended things. So maybe, the next time I start to fall in love again, by the time I realize it, I would be crying. 

    Oh thank you. Such a sweet thing to say. My last name is the Filipino translation of the word far, so my username is VenusAtFar. Seems apt since Venus is a far object from the Earth. Is your name really Fosbjorn? If not, what is your given name and what does it mean?

    So far classes are about to resume. So I would be hella busy. But would try to reply as much as I can. Are you enrolled in a Japanese language class?

    Take care,

    Venus

    “If we remove sexting, then we would be mere penpals.”

    Those were the words of someone I once loved.

    I remember how deeply they hurt because I had always believed that the moments we spent talking about his day, his passions, his culture, and the things that made him come alive were some of the most intimate parts of our relationship. To know that he saw those conversations as “mere penpals” made me wonder if we had been experiencing the same connection at all.

    But what is so wrong about being penpals?

    Writing letters feels different. It asks for patience in a world obsessed with instant replies. It asks for honesty when it would be easier to hide behind short messages. It asks for vulnerability because every letter carries a piece of the person who wrote it.

    Today, we spend so much time trying to decode the meaning of a simple “okay” or wondering why someone left us on read. Letters leave less room for guessing. They are intentional. When you know someone may wait days before receiving your words, you choose them more carefully. You want them to be worthwhile.

    I’ve been exchanging letters with people from different parts of the world, and I have never felt more seen.

    They don’t skim past my thoughts. They respond to them. They remember the little things I shared. They ask questions. They engage with my hopes, my dreams, and even the ordinary moments of my life.

    And in return, they share pieces of themselves.

    Sometimes it’s a story about a childhood memory, a family tradition, a difficult season, or a dream they’re quietly holding onto. Sometimes their words make me laugh. Sometimes they leave me with tears in my eyes.

    Because people are made up of stories.

    And perhaps that is why letters feel so meaningful. They allow us to know another person not through carefully curated photos or fleeting conversations, but through the quiet unfolding of who they are, one story at a time.

    Maybe that’s why I no longer believe being “mere penpals” is something lesser.

    Sometimes, knowing another person’s story is one of the deepest forms of intimacy there is..

    .

    ,

  • To The One Who I Still Miss

    “And whether you like it or not, I belong to you.”-Franz Kafka

    You once told me about a girl who came before me, who professed her love for you—a declaration you dismissed. You were engulfed by the sheer weight of those words. I should have recognized that as a warning sign—a glimpse into my own destiny. An overshadowing of my own fate. Looking back, I wish I had dared to ask you, “Will I meet the same fate if I open my heart to you?” Had I known, I could have steeled myself for the impending heartbreak. I should have seen that you are the type to flee when vulnerability beckons, leaving nothing but echoes of unspoken words.

    And when I declared my love for you, you never took the time to reply, to share whether it stirred something within you or if you felt even a flicker of the same fire? Why do I continue to bare my soul to those who respond with nothing but an unbearable silence?

    You ignited a flame within me, making me believe that I am worth every marvelous thing you could ever offer. Yet, the heartbreaking truth is that you never did anything out of everything you said. Or was it because I never let you? Indeed, I find myself ensnared in the past, like a broken VHS tape endlessly replaying the same haunting scene, yearning for a different ending.

    Like a haunting spirit, your name lingers in the depths of my soul. I longed to release your image from my heart, but my curse is the vivid recall of every face, even those of fleeting strangers. You were a stranger I was destined to encounter, and now, I lament the fateful moment we crossed paths. Though I once declared I should have never met you, my heart fervently cries out in desperation, “I miss you. Come back to me.”

    Is your role in my life really over? Have you really taught me the lessons I need to know? Because why do I feel like it’s not yet over? Why can’t it be that you teach me lessons I need to know for the rest of my life? Together?

    I still miss you. I think I will miss you for the rest of my life.

  • Lessons from Love Lost

    Lessons from Love Lost

    I once saw a post that said, we think bulls are stupid for chasing red flags and yet people, here we are. To be blinded by impassioned love seems poetic but it is not beautiful. These are some of the comical truths I realized during this ongoing period of regulating my nervous system that was disturbed by a man I took a leap of faith for.

    He had me at “you are a mix of cute and classy” and with his wit and love for his culture, I slowly gave in and made me locked in. I have this stubborn pride in me so I still held on to the possibility of the relationship turning into something more. I chose to stay despite the red flags I tried to rationalize and justify. In the end, I was sorely disappointed and broken.

    Hence, the road to healing will be a road that I will be traversing for now. I don’t know how long the arduous journey will be for someone who considers this a canon event in her life. But so far, there are things I do that help me heal.

    1.) Lots of crying.

    Crying is refreshing to the soul. Even the clouds cry when they’re already heavy. So be a crybaby, babe. Do not be ashamed to admit it. I cry when I can feel the heaviness in my chest. There are many times I have to drop on the bathroom floor and sit with the grief. I don’t stop myself from crying. Suppression of the natural flow of things is what makes your nervous system go into survival mode. Let it flow.

    2.) Fill your mind with good things and ideas.

    In order to rule your heart, you must have a good head to rule over it. What I did was to visit the thrift bookstores again and find titles that are not famous but are promising. I bought books and went to a quaint coffee shop to read to occupy my thoughts with wonderful ideas. There is a reason why the head is above the heart.

    Fill it with ideas and it will know what to do with the heart. In moments when the stabbing pain in the heart is blinding, the ideas you’ve filled your mind with can be picked out from similar to a trove of treasures hidden. For instance, when the sadness attacks me out of nowhere, I will remember the maxim I once read, play the hand in front of you and play it well.

    I repeat it like a prayer and then a sense of pride wells from within. Another experience lived. Another lessons learned. Another aphorism I tell myself is that, I loved and lost. But I was brave enough to participate in the Great War of love. I fought bravely. He lost me. He let go of my hand but I am still standing.

    3.) Talk to friends and seek wise counsel.

    I have come to realize that one of the good things that have come out of this heartbreak is that I learned how to depend on my friends. I have come to appreciate the people around me even more. One of my friends told me when I kept saying sorry for unloading a burden to them, that I should not be sorry. I can cry to them without judgement. They also told me the things I really needed to hear. I told them every detail and they made me see things in a new perspective.

    4.) Praying.

    The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Upon this verse, I have poured my faith. I prayed and screamed when the ache is too much to bear. And by some stroke of miracle, I have this renewed hope and energy the morning after.

    5.) I don’t convince myself to hate the man.

    I have heard them say to block the man and think of all the things bad about him. I find that against my nature. I still hold tenderness for the man. Even now, I still hope beyond hope that he is fine. To think ill of the man will require me to replay every conversation, every action. And that will be counterproductive. I will let things be. Go on with my life and feel the tenderness but forget the face of the man behind it all.

    6.) Write down the lessons.

    Some of the lessons I learned I wrote in order to make sense of what happened. I have been changed by the heartbreak and it revealed to me some of the traits that I have. For some reason, I feel more in touch with my femininity.

    I also learned that men also need to be seen just as much as women.

    I have also rediscovered the art of guarding one’s heart. In the process of getting to know the man who broke me, I have laid my heart on the table for him to hold. He had me on the palm of his hand. And that was a mistake I will never do again.

    Once, I had dated a man for over a year who is just as wonderful but the falling out was not as hurtful because I kept reminding myself I may lose him one day when he loses interest. It saved me from pain when indeed the relationship ended.

    Sadness is one of the most basic emotions that we almost always encounter and cannot escape. But the sadness caused by the person you loved is a different kind. It will get you in waves and all you can do is to swim for your life. People have different ways to cope. No one can judge you for how you manage the grief. It is what it is as the man who broke me always says. I always will feel defeated whenever he says that. This was what he said when he told me that things between us should end already. It feels like we’ve reached an impasse and I was in a checkmate. Yet I would like to say to him if ever I get the chance that the one who loves always wins.

  • Day 6: I Resist and Persist the Temptation

    Hi 

    How are you?

    I hope you’re doing fine. I just wanna say I hate you for doubting the sincerity of my love. I am capable of loving you and you are someone that is worth of love. I am sorry for disturbing your peace. But I will not bother you after this. I promise. You had me from the very beginning. I know you no longer care. I know you already have someone you say good morning to. Goodbye Ugurkan.

  • What is your bowl of soup?

    What is your bowl of soup? A question left in our life group. I have missed many life groups already and have been missing in action from church. And this will be like the first time attending for a long time again. Why? I don’t want to explain to anyone. Not even to my mentor. But life gets in the way. I am a working student and school has been so hard. Work has been so demanding. I have compromised my commitment. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. The fascination and reverence that I have for the Bible, for prayer, and for the church are gradually being lost. The love I have for the Lord is growing cold. I knew it deep inside and I should be doing the right thing. Read the Bible and fall on my knees again in prayer but I did not. I chose to compromise. I chose to devote my hours to studying or to worldly things like watching TV, browsing through social media. For the first days, the guilt seemed to be gnawing at me but I learned how to not listen to the guilt. I became good at running away from the guilt and yet every Christian knows that the conviction will be there until it is gone because you completely turned your back on God and your heart becomes hardened.

    The story of the bowl of soup comes from the story of Esau who exchanged his birthright for a bowl of soup.

    Esau Sells His Birthright

    29 Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. 30 And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.[a]) 31 Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” 32 Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” 33 Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright

    How important is that birthright that Esau gave away?

    As the firstborn of Isaac and Rebekah, the heir of the Lord’s promises (26:1–5), Esau should have clung to his status tenaciously. The birthright of the eldest male child in the ancient Near East conferred upon him the headship of the clan and a double share of the inheritance (Deut. 21:15–17). How foolish, then, is Esau to reject this prize (and redemption) when he sells his birthright for stew? (https://www.ligonier.org/learn/devotionals/despised-birthright#:~:text=As%20the%20firstborn%20of%20Isaac,21%3A15%E2%80%9317).)

    He exchanged something so valuable for a bowl of stew. Which to me, is a shortsighted decision. He was starving and at that moment, nothing is more valuable than food. ( And by the way the Bible reminds us that we not only live for bread alone. We live for every Word of God. And we fast in order to reign our body and have the self control.) And oftentimes, I make shortsighted decisions. I lose sight of the most important. My relationship with God, which is the most important thing in all eternity. I trade the times I should have been with God with things of this world. And it made me realized. This is how relationships break down. How people drift apart. When you say you love someone and you know what to do to make the other person feel that love and yet you choose to ignore them. You choose to do other things instead that will make the other person sad. You do them time and again until you tell yourself, maybe I don’t really love him. If I love him, then why can’t I do it and choose to make him happy? Maybe I should leave. Doubt comes in. And you just leave. That was what happened to me during the period I stopped praying.

    But with God, He knows our love for Him falls short. And truly, we don’t really know how to love right. And so He had set an example. He gave His only Son to die for us (John 3:16) He reminds us to love other people just as how much how God loved us. He reminds us that if we truly love Him, we should follow His commandments. God pursues me. That much I know. When I fail to do the right things He convicts me and yet I can feel the gentle forgiveness when I pray. I hate to admit that I am making the wrong decisions. I realized that. My bowl of soup is my ego, my pride, my dreams that I refuse to surrender in His hands. I only focus on the dream of becoming a lawyer. I only want a good life. But I have been reminded that God had been the One carrying me all along. He is the One making my family safe. He gave me life. He saved me a countless times. And He had put this dream of becoming la lawyer into my heart. I remember praying to Him to give me a sign that if I open up the TV and that law movie comes up then I will enroll. And true enough, the movie Legally Blonde is the movie playing the very moment I turned the TV on and it was just starting! And I cannot make it this far in school without Him. I cannot believe I could be so foolish! (very much like Esau)

    Prayer:

    Lord, make me like Jacob who has the spiritual wisdom and eyes to see what is eternal. Give me eyes to see the things that are approved to you. And give me the strength of character to chase those things. Make me realize before I make a decision what I am giving up and what I will loose. And help me love you. In Jesus mighty name, Amen.

  • In the Mountains

    In the Mountains

    Had fallen in love. Had been hurt. Then went conquering the mountains. 

    It’s a tagline I often hear being said by those who go climbing the mountains. But I think there are other reasons as well…really. It might be to find healing. To find oneself. To find answers to some of life’s questions. Or simply to find adventure. To find meaning. To see something they have never seen before. To feel something real. To   find a connection within. To find a connection without. There will be thousands of reasons but whatever the reasons are for anyone, these reasons will stand incoherent and insignificant once faced with the grandeur of the nature unfolding right before your very eyes. Every worry will be an utter of thankfulness once you get lost and immersed in a world of trees, falls, woods and glade.

    I remember the very first time I climbed a mountain. It was November of 2015 in Rizal. The mountain was named Mount Maranat if my memory serves me well. I remember the very feeling when we were just at the foot of the mountain which was the starting point of our climb. The fog of the morning enveloped us and the sun is still in its hiding somewhere in the eastern sky. Feelings of nervousness and excitement tried consuming me all at once. Little did I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever do and I swore will never do again. 

    We started with ascending the mountains with slow and steady steps. But then, as we go higher every steep rock and every slippery trail was a struggle. What made the climb even harder was that I have worn the wrong shoes and I had no socks on. I only wore a black sneakers so I could feel sharp rocks underneath. There was a part when I was almost unable to continue because the rocks we had to step on were so slippery and farther from each other.

    My intention for climbing was not a noble one I must admit at that time, I don’t know. I only wanted to fulfill my friend’s wish on her birthday. And partly, I only wanted to prove myself to her. That I am not some weakling. I was so absorbed with the challenge of not being left behind that I failed to slow down and appreciate the mystery and majesty of the nature that was before me. 

    We almost reached the summit. It was noon when we arrived at the top near the summit. It was scorching hot, it’s a good thing there were huts where stayed. We rested for a bit and talked with some of those who seem to be mountaineers as well. Where there was silence in the middle of the woods, there was noise in the huts. People talked incessantly and some laughed with each other. They must have gone camping the night before for they seem to be relaxed while all my muscles are heavy and I was soaked with sweat. 

    After what seemed to be an hour, we got ready to come down the mountain and go home. But before that, we had a birthday celebration for my friend at a falls we were able to pass by descending. I looked around and that was when I heard the wind and felt the mystery of the place we were in. I saw large butterflies flying and heard the silence of the mountains. It was almost a cliche but I felt like I was in another world. All around us are gigantic rocks and foliage almost as green as a water paint. Their roots dangling from in between the rocks. The falls was a white geyser forcefully rushing down. Its  water was chilling but was so refreshing. Somehow, all the tension in my body left me. I wished suddenly that I was alone to meditate and wonder all by myself.

    We finally went down and I realized the skin on my tendons was bleeding. It was scraped because I had no socks on. And my shorts was ripped I just wished no one saw! My whole body was worked up I could feel the heaviness of my steps. Though it was a magical experience, it was more exhausting all the same.

    But I did not know the phrase; “the mountains are calling you” was real when my body longed for the mountains. And so I said yes to my best friend’s invitation to climb the Mount Maynoba again in Rizal. It was a day climb and we started early. By 7 am we were already hiking. It was sunny and the trail was dry and the grass green. I was skipping because it seems to me that it is going to be an easy climb. Boy was I wrong. We weren’t able to go that far that I started to feel nauseous and I felt it was hard to breathe. I felt I am going to faint at any moment and so I sat in the grass. I told my friends what I am feeling. We stopped and I told them to continue on even without me. But one of our mountaineer companions helped me and made me drink a solution for my dehydration and did some massage on me. They even carried my bag for me for a distance until my strength came back. “It is not a race”, I have been told. Indeed it was not. It’s not also an endurance challenge where only the fittest survives. My climb the second time had a spiritual effect on me. I did not exactly know why but maybe it was because I was able to see the skies. The vast sky was blue and the breeze was soft and everything, it seems was revealed to us. The breeze carried along with it the voice of God. It was a soothing and calming voice that spoke to me, “be still and know that I am God.” I even had these realizations:

    “Spend your time, energy and money on those that really matters.”

    “In a place where the only sound you will hear is the sound of the wind, you will be able to hear your heart clearly. Perhaps, you need to be in the mountains when you need to hear your heart and make a decision.”

    “In a place where you are lost among the rocks, woods, trees and falls, the sky is a wide and large mirror of all the good things on earth.”

    Further, I realized that climbing a mountain becomes easier when you are with friends and companions whom you trust will help you and will not leave you when the going gets tough. Climbing a mountain, as cliché as it may seem, is basically like going through life. As they say, braving through a rain becomes a dance in the rain when you are with friends. You have to go through life with the right goal and mindset. You have to focus on the goal; that is to reach the summit without failing to appreciate the journey upwards. You will bleed the first time you do anything that is worth trying because it is not easy but you will become wiser and you will know what to do the second time. (And what to wear  ). You will be better equipped. In going through life, make your faith in God the very essence of your existence. Look for Him in every single thing you do. If you cannot find Him in what you’re doing, you are probably doing the wrong thing.

  • Lessons on Life and Love from ‘Me Before You’

    Jojo Moyes writes of a different love story in her novel Me Before You. It isn’t the typical boy-meets-this-gorgeous-girl-or-girl-meets-this-dashing-man-they-live-happily-ever-after-kind of love story. Of course we love happily ever after love stories but these are stories just like the rest of the others. But even if it does not have a happy ending, Me Before You was so well-written and served its purpose of breaking my heart and also (a bonus) had me raising questions about love and life. It gave me the epiphany that love, in all its complexities is a wave. You carry on through life going through the motions trying to calm the tide every so often then at some point in time; you meet someone who takes you for a ride. Even then, being with the one dear to you throughout this life makes navigating through life a little easier or maybe not… but it will make it a little different and happier that’s for sure. You go along hoping it would last forever with the one who became so dear to you. But suddenly life crashes you to the shore and you find yourself gasping for air and fighting for dear life upon realizing you could not live without that person anymore. Life will never be the same after. You will no longer be the one you used to before them.ocean

    At least that’s what happened to Louisa Clark. An ordinary girl who was used to living a simple life in a small place she calls home. She was comfortable and felt safe leading a life in their town. She had a steady boyfriend, a normal family and a common struggle of finding a stable job. The only thing in her mind was just to find a job that rewards her and that she could love. A job that would not suffocate her, ironically. That was the plan. She was never the type to explore and think of possibilities beyond the things she has been dealt with. There was even a point she did not know what to make of the future since she hadn’t thought about it…yet. She hadn’t had much faith in herself having a sister who seems to be smarter than her. Mundane. Unsurprising. No complications. That was her life before Will Traynor.

    Will Traynor who is a quadriplegic bound to his wheelchair for the rest of his life used to be an adventurer, a clever negotiator, a traveller, a daredevil, and a financial whiz. He was living his life the way he wanted it until he suffered an accident that took away almost everything. Two years before the accident he loved his life. But no longer being able to do the things he used to love, he was determined to end his life after six months even before he met Louisa Clark.

    Then Louisa became his caregiver. They did not instantly like each other and had to endure each other’s existence for very different reasons of their own. Louisa did not like Will because he was “vile” to him and seemed to give her every reason to give up her job. Will did not like Louisa per se; not for her character but who she was to him. In fact, at the end, when Louisa and Will revealed each other what they felt in their last night at Mauritius, I like to believe, Will unknowingly told Louisa he liked her the first time he laid eyes on him despite her crazy dress and shoes. She was hired to look after him which reminded him more of who he no longer is. And he could not accept that and could not live with the fact. I liked that on their first encounter, Moyes did not focus on first impressions and did not take time to describe how Will looked like. How handsome he is despite his conditions. I loved how Moyes at different points of the story let Louisa gave away clues on how handsome he is. Not that how Will looked like mattered but what mattered was that Will grew on Louisa and the intimacy grew between them gradually which made Louisa’s feelings for Will deeper than any first impressions.

    The storytelling was great in making the characters so believable and real especially that of Louisa’s. I found that Moyes not including Will’s point of view in any part of the story makes Will a weak character in the story. And that not including Will’s point of view solidifies his determination to end his life. I found that very effective and clever.

    I liked how it seemed that Will went along with every Louisa’s plans for outings because he wanted her to be happy and to make her see that there is so much more she can do. I liked that without them fully realizing, they were looking after each other after all. It melts my heart every time I remember it.

    I understood Louisa’s resentment towards Will. I even thought Will did not loved Louisa enough to be his reason to stay. And that’s the thing most heartbreaking about Me Before You. What if you fall in love with someone you can never be with for the rest of your life even if you want to so badly? What if you fall for someone who had lost his will to live? But surprisingly, I wanted to fall in love the way Louisa Clark fell in love with Will Traynor. Me Before You is funny and a light read, initially but just like what happened to Louisa falling in love with Will, the story would grow on you until it has the ability to break your heart fully in the end. I was not ready for the ending. The last chapters were heartbreaking but to me they were the most beautiful part of the story. I found myself crying as I am finishing it and then sobbing uncontrollably after I finished it.

    It is also an inspiring read in a way that makes you evaluate how you live your life. Are you like Louisa before Will who seemed to have limited choices? Choices that appear to be limited because of your mindset? Are you like Louisa before Will who doesn’t seem to have the will to push herself further? Or are you Will before Louisa who lives life to the fullest? Will taught me that the possibilities are in front of us and that they are endless. You just have to see them and have the will to reach for them. You just have to push the boundaries that keep you in a box for so long. Paradoxically, Will Traynor chose to give up on pushing boundaries that were set by the wheelchair he was sitting upon. I think it’s where the strength of the book lies. It’s ability to bring out raw and genuine emotions. It’s heartfelt. It’s perfection.

    And for the lines, here are some of my favourite lines:

    “I saw the toddler, reaching out for my hand, the schoolboy weeping tears of fury after being bullied by some other child. I saw the vulnerabilities, the love, the history. That’s what he’s asking me to extinguish-the small child as well as the man-all that love, all that history.”-Camilla Traynor

    “I couldn’t see his mouth but his eyes creased with faint mirth. I wanted to keep them like that. I wanted him to be happy-for his face to lose that haunted, watchful look. I gabbled. I told jokes. I started to hum. Anything to prolong the moment before he looked grim again.”-Louisa Clark

    “I was afraid of what he might be feeling, the depth of his loss, the extent of his fears. Will Traynor’s life had been so far beyond the experience of mine. Who was I to tell him how he should want to live it?”-Louisa Clark

    “You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.”-Will Traynor

    “I worked out what would make me happy, and I worked out what I wanted to do, and I trained myself to do the job that would make those two things happen.”-Will Traynor

    “I will never, ever regret the things I’ve done. Because most days, if you’re stuck in one of these, all you have are the places in your memory that you can go to.”-Will Traynor

    “Some mistakes…just have greater consequences than others. But you don’t have to let that night be the thing that defines you.”-Will Traynor

    “Sometimes, Clark, you are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.”-Will Traynor

    “But I want him to live if he wants to live. If he doesn’t, then by forcing him to carry on, you, me-no matter how much we love him-we become just another shitty bunch of people taking away his choices.”-Nathan

    “I stared out of the window at the bright-blue Swiss sky and I told him a story of two people. Two people who shouldn’t have met, and who didn’t like each other much when they did, but who found they were the only two people in the world who could possibly have understood each other. And I told him of the adventures they had, the places they had gone, and the things they had seen that they had never expected to. I conjured for him electric skies and iridescent seas and evenings full of laughter and silly jokes. I drew a world for him, a world away from a Swiss industrial estate, a world in which he was still somehow the person he had wanted to be. I drew the world he had created for me, full of wonder and possibility. I let him know a hurt had been mended in a way that he couldn’t have known, and for that alone there would always be a piece of me indebted to him. And as I spoke I knew these would be the most important words I would ever say and that it was important that they were the right words, that they were not propaganda, an attempt to change his mind but respectful of what Will had said.”-Louisa Clark

    “…I took his arm and wrapped it lightly around me, threading my own arms and legs around him so that we were tightly entwined. I took his hand-the good one-and wrapped my fingers in his, kissing the knuckles as I felt him squeeze mine. His body was familiar to me now. I knew it in a way I had never known Patrick’s-its strengths and vulnerabilities, its scars and scents. I placed my face so close to his that his features became indistinct, and I began to lose myself in them. I stroked his hair, his skin, his brow with my fingertips, tears sliding unchecked down my cheeks, my nose against his, and all the time he watched me silently, studying me intently as he were storing each molecule of me away…”-Louisa Clark

    “I kissed him, trying to bring him back. I kissed him and let my lips rest against his so that our breath mingled and the tears from my eyes become salt on his skin, and I told myself that, somewhere tiny particles of him would become tiny particles of me, ingested, swallowed, alive, perpetual. I wanted to press every bit of me against him. I wanted to will something into him. I wanted to give him every bit of life I felt and force him to live.”-Louisa Clark

    “So I held him, Will Traynor, ex-financial whiz kid, ex-stunt diver, sportsman, traveller, lover. I held him close and said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh but he was loved.”-Louisa Clark

    “…there is hunger in you Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it like most people do.”-Will Traynor

    “I’m not really telling you to jump off tall buildings, or swim with whales or anything (although I would secretly love to think you were), but to live boldly. Push yourself. Don’t settle. Wear those stripy legs with pride…”-Will Traynor