VenusAtFar

Travels. Reviews. Reflections. Living.

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about

I am an aspiring lawyer and a poet. I love Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and Leo Tolstoy.

  • Started Writing Letters Again

    I’ve started writing letters again…

    Hello, Fos. 

    I completely understand your sentiment. It is unnecessary. But always a possibility. I hate wars just as you do. Civilians are always a collateral damage. You know what I had this weird notion that after World War I and II which the world saw as devastating to millions, nations would no longer be fighting against each other and that they would strive to settle differences with talks. But no, they’d rather fight with their weapons to see who will yield to each other. I am no more educated regarding the choices that leaders make but I just hope there is a way to not engage in war at all. I think, wars are bound to happen.

    I’d probably feel the same when I see the same poster branding a 20 year old as hero. Who would have known if he just wanted to be with his family instead of being in the frontlines of a war. I just wanted to know, before joining the war, were they really informed of what will they fight for? Was it explained to them fully? I don’t know, if you are going to lose your life, at least the state should give them the dignity of choice. Because to do otherwise would be compelete betrayal. Maybe branding him a hero is a consolation by the state. 

    I want to support death penalty but the justice system here in our country is imperfect.

    It should not be glorified but always a possibility, I believe. Countries don’t build nuclear weapons for no reason. 

    Have you considered retiring in another country? 

    You might not find your perspective fascinating but I do. Believe me I have never met someone as young as you who is so philosophical with life. I am not sure if it is a curse or a blessing being very conscious with the flow of time. 

    Let me share a little (or not so little. haha) something about me. When I was younger, I was the type who will only deal with the hand laid in front of me. I only had dreams but no timelines really. I would only push through the directions of my dreams and would do what I have to do and let fate take me where I am supposed to be. My college classmates even have the exact age when are they going to marry. I didn’t have such so at this age I am unmarried. Haha. I know I wanted to be a lawyer but I didn’t know when because of financial constraints. It was a dream that had been tucked away and kinda forgotten but somehow life has been kinder and now I am in my fourth year. What I am trying to say is go in the direction of what you want. Do it with integrity. And who knows your destiny will come find you. Too optimistic? I don’t know. It’s maybe because I am a prisoner of hope.  

    But you know nowadays, I can relate to your statement of becoming conscious of time. I find myself being just like that sometimes. Especially with being married. Some days, I become painfully aware of my age and my desire to have my own family. But then again, I would do what I have to do with integrity. 

    Indeed. Emotions cannot be controlled. I used to think I could stop myself from falling. I was able to do that for so long. What terrifies me and makes me cry is the realization that if I let my guard down, someone would have the capacity to ruin me. I felt a pain that permeates the entire being when we ended things. So maybe, the next time I start to fall in love again, by the time I realize it, I would be crying. 

    Oh thank you. Such a sweet thing to say. My last name is the Filipino translation of the word far, so my username is VenusAtFar. Seems apt since Venus is a far object from the Earth. Is your name really Fosbjorn? If not, what is your given name and what does it mean?

    So far classes are about to resume. So I would be hella busy. But would try to reply as much as I can. Are you enrolled in a Japanese language class?

    Take care,

    Venus

    “If we remove sexting, then we would be mere penpals.”

    Those were the words of someone I once loved.

    I remember how deeply they hurt because I had always believed that the moments we spent talking about his day, his passions, his culture, and the things that made him come alive were some of the most intimate parts of our relationship. To know that he saw those conversations as “mere penpals” made me wonder if we had been experiencing the same connection at all.

    But what is so wrong about being penpals?

    Writing letters feels different. It asks for patience in a world obsessed with instant replies. It asks for honesty when it would be easier to hide behind short messages. It asks for vulnerability because every letter carries a piece of the person who wrote it.

    Today, we spend so much time trying to decode the meaning of a simple “okay” or wondering why someone left us on read. Letters leave less room for guessing. They are intentional. When you know someone may wait days before receiving your words, you choose them more carefully. You want them to be worthwhile.

    I’ve been exchanging letters with people from different parts of the world, and I have never felt more seen.

    They don’t skim past my thoughts. They respond to them. They remember the little things I shared. They ask questions. They engage with my hopes, my dreams, and even the ordinary moments of my life.

    And in return, they share pieces of themselves.

    Sometimes it’s a story about a childhood memory, a family tradition, a difficult season, or a dream they’re quietly holding onto. Sometimes their words make me laugh. Sometimes they leave me with tears in my eyes.

    Because people are made up of stories.

    And perhaps that is why letters feel so meaningful. They allow us to know another person not through carefully curated photos or fleeting conversations, but through the quiet unfolding of who they are, one story at a time.

    Maybe that’s why I no longer believe being “mere penpals” is something lesser.

    Sometimes, knowing another person’s story is one of the deepest forms of intimacy there is..

    .

    ,

  • To The One Who I Still Miss

    “And whether you like it or not, I belong to you.”-Franz Kafka

    You once told me about a girl who came before me, who professed her love for you—a declaration you dismissed. You were engulfed by the sheer weight of those words. I should have recognized that as a warning sign—a glimpse into my own destiny. An overshadowing of my own fate. Looking back, I wish I had dared to ask you, “Will I meet the same fate if I open my heart to you?” Had I known, I could have steeled myself for the impending heartbreak. I should have seen that you are the type to flee when vulnerability beckons, leaving nothing but echoes of unspoken words.

    And when I declared my love for you, you never took the time to reply, to share whether it stirred something within you or if you felt even a flicker of the same fire? Why do I continue to bare my soul to those who respond with nothing but an unbearable silence?

    You ignited a flame within me, making me believe that I am worth every marvelous thing you could ever offer. Yet, the heartbreaking truth is that you never did anything out of everything you said. Or was it because I never let you? Indeed, I find myself ensnared in the past, like a broken VHS tape endlessly replaying the same haunting scene, yearning for a different ending.

    Like a haunting spirit, your name lingers in the depths of my soul. I longed to release your image from my heart, but my curse is the vivid recall of every face, even those of fleeting strangers. You were a stranger I was destined to encounter, and now, I lament the fateful moment we crossed paths. Though I once declared I should have never met you, my heart fervently cries out in desperation, “I miss you. Come back to me.”

    Is your role in my life really over? Have you really taught me the lessons I need to know? Because why do I feel like it’s not yet over? Why can’t it be that you teach me lessons I need to know for the rest of my life? Together?

    I still miss you. I think I will miss you for the rest of my life.

  • Lessons from Love Lost

    Lessons from Love Lost

    I once saw a post that said, we think bulls are stupid for chasing red flags and yet people, here we are. To be blinded by impassioned love seems poetic but it is not beautiful. These are some of the comical truths I realized during this ongoing period of regulating my nervous system that was disturbed by a man I took a leap of faith for.

    He had me at “you are a mix of cute and classy” and with his wit and love for his culture, I slowly gave in and made me locked in. I have this stubborn pride in me so I still held on to the possibility of the relationship turning into something more. I chose to stay despite the red flags I tried to rationalize and justify. In the end, I was sorely disappointed and broken.

    Hence, the road to healing will be a road that I will be traversing for now. I don’t know how long the arduous journey will be for someone who considers this a canon event in her life. But so far, there are things I do that help me heal.

    1.) Lots of crying.

    Crying is refreshing to the soul. Even the clouds cry when they’re already heavy. So be a crybaby, babe. Do not be ashamed to admit it. I cry when I can feel the heaviness in my chest. There are many times I have to drop on the bathroom floor and sit with the grief. I don’t stop myself from crying. Suppression of the natural flow of things is what makes your nervous system go into survival mode. Let it flow.

    2.) Fill your mind with good things and ideas.

    In order to rule your heart, you must have a good head to rule over it. What I did was to visit the thrift bookstores again and find titles that are not famous but are promising. I bought books and went to a quaint coffee shop to read to occupy my thoughts with wonderful ideas. There is a reason why the head is above the heart.

    Fill it with ideas and it will know what to do with the heart. In moments when the stabbing pain in the heart is blinding, the ideas you’ve filled your mind with can be picked out from similar to a trove of treasures hidden. For instance, when the sadness attacks me out of nowhere, I will remember the maxim I once read, play the hand in front of you and play it well.

    I repeat it like a prayer and then a sense of pride wells from within. Another experience lived. Another lessons learned. Another aphorism I tell myself is that, I loved and lost. But I was brave enough to participate in the Great War of love. I fought bravely. He lost me. He let go of my hand but I am still standing.

    3.) Talk to friends and seek wise counsel.

    I have come to realize that one of the good things that have come out of this heartbreak is that I learned how to depend on my friends. I have come to appreciate the people around me even more. One of my friends told me when I kept saying sorry for unloading a burden to them, that I should not be sorry. I can cry to them without judgement. They also told me the things I really needed to hear. I told them every detail and they made me see things in a new perspective.

    4.) Praying.

    The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Upon this verse, I have poured my faith. I prayed and screamed when the ache is too much to bear. And by some stroke of miracle, I have this renewed hope and energy the morning after.

    5.) I don’t convince myself to hate the man.

    I have heard them say to block the man and think of all the things bad about him. I find that against my nature. I still hold tenderness for the man. Even now, I still hope beyond hope that he is fine. To think ill of the man will require me to replay every conversation, every action. And that will be counterproductive. I will let things be. Go on with my life and feel the tenderness but forget the face of the man behind it all.

    6.) Write down the lessons.

    Some of the lessons I learned I wrote in order to make sense of what happened. I have been changed by the heartbreak and it revealed to me some of the traits that I have. For some reason, I feel more in touch with my femininity.

    I also learned that men also need to be seen just as much as women.

    I have also rediscovered the art of guarding one’s heart. In the process of getting to know the man who broke me, I have laid my heart on the table for him to hold. He had me on the palm of his hand. And that was a mistake I will never do again.

    Once, I had dated a man for over a year who is just as wonderful but the falling out was not as hurtful because I kept reminding myself I may lose him one day when he loses interest. It saved me from pain when indeed the relationship ended.

    Sadness is one of the most basic emotions that we almost always encounter and cannot escape. But the sadness caused by the person you loved is a different kind. It will get you in waves and all you can do is to swim for your life. People have different ways to cope. No one can judge you for how you manage the grief. It is what it is as the man who broke me always says. I always will feel defeated whenever he says that. This was what he said when he told me that things between us should end already. It feels like we’ve reached an impasse and I was in a checkmate. Yet I would like to say to him if ever I get the chance that the one who loves always wins.

  • The Heart’s True Value: Self-Love and Acceptance

    If I do not give it my all, what is this heart for then? I would have given it to you in a plate have you been patient with me. I would have offered you myself slowly, cautiously then all at once. I would have tried to break all barriers in order for you to love me. I would have been ready to risk it all and fly miles and show up at your door if you told me to. We are living on borrowed time and I don’t want to have regrets when it comes to loving the person I choose to love. When I was a child I told myself that if I found the person worth fighting for then I would bend and break and beg. That’s how much I love. That’s how much I will love had you just let me in.

    I’ve been laughed at for crying over a man I only met briefly. Maybe they were right, I am out of my mind but as Taylor Swift said love made me crazy, if it doesn’t you ain’t doing it right. But for me those brief conversations with you made me feel a connection to a kindred soul even miles away. I felt a tenderness so raw. You will have my heart and a part of it even if we no longer talk. And as I have told you, I am scared of you forgetting me. Or me forgetting you. It’s impossible for me to forget because I remember every face that comes into my life.

    But thank you for leaving me because I realized, I deserve this kind of loving too. I realize now that your words telling me to stick to my self-worth are not cruel but rather a stunning reminder. I begged for you to not leave because I loved you. Yet I haven’t begged my own self to stop crawling back to you when you have not texted for three weeks and I kept reaching out to you. I cried tears for you but I haven’t cried for that version of me pathetically begging a man to stay. I wake up in the middle of the night instinctively reaching for the phone to check any messages from you and wait. Not even caring if I have work the next morning.

    I have come back to reading because you broke my heart and I wanted to forget the pain. The child in me came alive when I began browsing through titles in that rundown thrifted bookstore again. It had been ages since I felt that way.

    As an act of love for myself, I will be careful in pouring out my heart to people who wouldn’t give a shit if I bleed my eyes out in front of them. I would no longer hand my heart out to people who will not be capable of holding it. I will no longer bend my knees for the person who can easily choose with finality to walk away from me.

    Would I still give it my all? The tender ache in my heart tells me never again. I will no longer keep on breaking my own heart.

    As a final act of love for you, my dear, I would bend my knees in prayer and in supplication that wherever you may be, you will be safe and sound.

  • Day 8: Jerk, I Wished So Bad It Was You

    “And if you ever see me loving someone new, just know I asked God a thousand times to make it you first.”

  • Day 7: The Art of Yearning

    Oh I am a yearner. I yearn for you in the most human way possible.

    I yearn for the thoughts that keep running in your mind.

    I yearn for your eyes that laugh at every joke I say.

    I yearn for how you scold yourself when I say a flirtatious line.

    I yearn to share with you every details of my day.

    I yearn to make you crazy with love just as how much you drive me mad.

    But it’s time that I stop.

    It’s time I stop thinking of running to you whenever I discover something amusing in a museum.

    Stop thinking of you whenever I stumble upon a line in a book.

    Did I ever waste your time?

    Did I ever bore you?

    You do not feel as deeply and that’s the tragedy.

  • Day 6: I Resist and Persist the Temptation

    Hi 

    How are you?

    I hope you’re doing fine. I just wanna say I hate you for doubting the sincerity of my love. I am capable of loving you and you are someone that is worth of love. I am sorry for disturbing your peace. But I will not bother you after this. I promise. You had me from the very beginning. I know you no longer care. I know you already have someone you say good morning to. Goodbye Ugurkan.

  • Day 6: A Little Lighter

    My heart doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. There is a dull ache but it is no longer the kind that devours my whole heart. I still love you so I prayed for you. I prayed that God reaches your heart. I just hope you’re fine and not doing drugs. I am now slowly accepting you were never mine.

    Nevertheless, I am still hoping beyond hope that you would come back. I would choose to go through heartbreak again if it means I would hear your voice again.

    I can now resist the urge to message you again. I want to tell you how my day went but I remember you no longer want to hear from me.

    You might have someone you are talking to already. Someone you say good morning to. It makes me sad, yes. But as long as you’re happy. Even if it’s no longer me.

  • Day 5: Turning Page

    You said you do not believe the sincerity of my love. But you were the one who professed first. You were the one who told me things about marriage. You were the one who told me that you’ve already found what you’ve been looking for? You told me that you would marry me! You are an absolute jerk. You doubt the sincerity of my love? I chose you from the very beginning. I grew up dreaming of a love like Mr. Darcy’s and Elizabeth’s. I wasn’t that much affectionate because I was shy. And I don’t warm up to people that easily. I only had two relationships all my life. I don’t give my heart that easily and yet you insult me by saying I should put myself out there? What? To go through another heartbreak again? There are nights I have to cry myself to sleep and have to invite my friends over because the emptiness of my house was too much to bear. Is it really that easy for you? While I am breaking you’re already putting yourself out there? The least you could do is to say sorry even if it was half-meant. You broke my heart.

    Or did you just play me into falling in love with you? Or is it because I am not entertaining enough? Or was I just an ego boost? I showed you my naked self in hopes that you would stay. I lost myself in you. I was trying…

    I will move on from this heartbreak. But I want you to not move on from the guilt of breaking someone’s heart or have you no such feelings? But I still care for you.

    I have died every single day since you said goodbye. I never knew I could feel such sadness. I bought books to divert my attention. I show up for myself even if my heart’s breaking to million pieces.

  • Day 4 of Not Hearing From You

    I still replay our conversations in my mind. I can still read the three words that had made all my defenses crumble, “just be mine.” It was full of longing. But I wasn’t able to reply even though I have been yours from the very beginning. Maybe because I saw the intensity in my own longing reflected in those words. I was a coward for not telling you and right now the agonizing pain of not being able to tell you torments me every single time. And it broke my heart that it was easy for you to say to put my heart out there again because clearly I am easily hooked. You chased me persistently and when I started to crumble you decided to walk away and told me that it was no big deal. How could I ever pick the pieces again? You told me to never contact you again even though the mere thought of not hearing from you again or blocking you takes my breath away.

    The mere thought of you going on with your life, falling in love with another is a pain that I never thought that I would experience in my life.

    I am dying thinking that there is no tenderness left for me.

    I am trying to resist not to beg for you again. I am resisting the urge to tell you it’s killing me. And to ask you that if things had been different would everything be different today?

    I have offered you my whole self but you chose to turn away from me saying you do not feel things as deeply as I am.

    Then do the words you told me do not carry weight? Were they empty, only intended to charm and deceive me to give in to your desires in the end?

    You are the biggest jerk Ugurkan. But I still want to hear from you again. How your day went. You’ve hurt me like no one else had.