VenusAtFar

Travels. Reviews. Reflections. Living.

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I am an aspiring lawyer and a poet. I love Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and Leo Tolstoy.

  • A Heartbreak I Never Knew Coming

    I met him on a dating app called Boo. His name means good fortune in Turkish language. He caught my eye with his bright eyes. We matched. He messaged me first saying I look cute and that I am a balance of cute and classy. I replied, thank you, I guess. I tried to play it cool but I liked him already from the very beginning. It’s like my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. We exchanged conversations about his favorite poem. He was going to a football match that day and I joked about how he brought a basketball to a football match because the picture he sent me has a guy with a shiny bald head. He laughed, Gosh I think I am falling. We talked about our governments and he said it feels like we were flirting. We exchanged messages and I was so kilig over him. It was fast. I din’t guard my heart and it went full speed ahead.

    I really thought I could make him stay with my conversational skills because I wanted him to know my thoughts. But it turned out to be a casual thing for him. Whatever casual is in this day and age. He expressed his desires. To be honest, I did not hate it. I was warming up to him because I wanted him too but someone has to have the brakes or I would be consumed by fire.

    Then he said goodbye.

    He said that we should end things because of our differences and the distance. He’s from Turkey. I was so devastated. I begged him to come back. But he no longer wanted to. Five days passed by without contact. I was crying and I was so sad during the whole week that we didn’t have any communication. Then came Saturday. I broke the no contact. Even though we already said goodbye. I liked him too much. I wanted to keep him. I wanted him to be mine.

    I told him I don’t want to start with another again.

    But came the most devastating words he ever said to me. He doesn’t like me anymore. He no longer wants any form of communication with me. He liked me at the beginning but it was no big deal. And that I should put myself out there more since Im easily hooked. To not love me in return is heartbreaking in itself but to be doubted for the sincerity of your love is a different kind. I wanted him so badly. It hurts me to think he’s found another. And I cannot believe he could just switch off easily and discard me that easily.

    I fell for him because of his wits. I fell for him whenever he’s talking about his culture. I loved him and I still pray that he comes back to me because he’s seen parts of me no one has ever seen yet.

  • What is your bowl of soup?

    What is your bowl of soup? A question left in our life group. I have missed many life groups already and have been missing in action from church. And this will be like the first time attending for a long time again. Why? I don’t want to explain to anyone. Not even to my mentor. But life gets in the way. I am a working student and school has been so hard. Work has been so demanding. I have compromised my commitment. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. The fascination and reverence that I have for the Bible, for prayer, and for the church are gradually being lost. The love I have for the Lord is growing cold. I knew it deep inside and I should be doing the right thing. Read the Bible and fall on my knees again in prayer but I did not. I chose to compromise. I chose to devote my hours to studying or to worldly things like watching TV, browsing through social media. For the first days, the guilt seemed to be gnawing at me but I learned how to not listen to the guilt. I became good at running away from the guilt and yet every Christian knows that the conviction will be there until it is gone because you completely turned your back on God and your heart becomes hardened.

    The story of the bowl of soup comes from the story of Esau who exchanged his birthright for a bowl of soup.

    Esau Sells His Birthright

    29 Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. 30 And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.[a]) 31 Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” 32 Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” 33 Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright

    How important is that birthright that Esau gave away?

    As the firstborn of Isaac and Rebekah, the heir of the Lord’s promises (26:1–5), Esau should have clung to his status tenaciously. The birthright of the eldest male child in the ancient Near East conferred upon him the headship of the clan and a double share of the inheritance (Deut. 21:15–17). How foolish, then, is Esau to reject this prize (and redemption) when he sells his birthright for stew? (https://www.ligonier.org/learn/devotionals/despised-birthright#:~:text=As%20the%20firstborn%20of%20Isaac,21%3A15%E2%80%9317).)

    He exchanged something so valuable for a bowl of stew. Which to me, is a shortsighted decision. He was starving and at that moment, nothing is more valuable than food. ( And by the way the Bible reminds us that we not only live for bread alone. We live for every Word of God. And we fast in order to reign our body and have the self control.) And oftentimes, I make shortsighted decisions. I lose sight of the most important. My relationship with God, which is the most important thing in all eternity. I trade the times I should have been with God with things of this world. And it made me realized. This is how relationships break down. How people drift apart. When you say you love someone and you know what to do to make the other person feel that love and yet you choose to ignore them. You choose to do other things instead that will make the other person sad. You do them time and again until you tell yourself, maybe I don’t really love him. If I love him, then why can’t I do it and choose to make him happy? Maybe I should leave. Doubt comes in. And you just leave. That was what happened to me during the period I stopped praying.

    But with God, He knows our love for Him falls short. And truly, we don’t really know how to love right. And so He had set an example. He gave His only Son to die for us (John 3:16) He reminds us to love other people just as how much how God loved us. He reminds us that if we truly love Him, we should follow His commandments. God pursues me. That much I know. When I fail to do the right things He convicts me and yet I can feel the gentle forgiveness when I pray. I hate to admit that I am making the wrong decisions. I realized that. My bowl of soup is my ego, my pride, my dreams that I refuse to surrender in His hands. I only focus on the dream of becoming a lawyer. I only want a good life. But I have been reminded that God had been the One carrying me all along. He is the One making my family safe. He gave me life. He saved me a countless times. And He had put this dream of becoming la lawyer into my heart. I remember praying to Him to give me a sign that if I open up the TV and that law movie comes up then I will enroll. And true enough, the movie Legally Blonde is the movie playing the very moment I turned the TV on and it was just starting! And I cannot make it this far in school without Him. I cannot believe I could be so foolish! (very much like Esau)

    Prayer:

    Lord, make me like Jacob who has the spiritual wisdom and eyes to see what is eternal. Give me eyes to see the things that are approved to you. And give me the strength of character to chase those things. Make me realize before I make a decision what I am giving up and what I will loose. And help me love you. In Jesus mighty name, Amen.

  • In the Mountains

    In the Mountains

    Had fallen in love. Had been hurt. Then went conquering the mountains. 

    It’s a tagline I often hear being said by those who go climbing the mountains. But I think there are other reasons as well…really. It might be to find healing. To find oneself. To find answers to some of life’s questions. Or simply to find adventure. To find meaning. To see something they have never seen before. To feel something real. To   find a connection within. To find a connection without. There will be thousands of reasons but whatever the reasons are for anyone, these reasons will stand incoherent and insignificant once faced with the grandeur of the nature unfolding right before your very eyes. Every worry will be an utter of thankfulness once you get lost and immersed in a world of trees, falls, woods and glade.

    I remember the very first time I climbed a mountain. It was November of 2015 in Rizal. The mountain was named Mount Maranat if my memory serves me well. I remember the very feeling when we were just at the foot of the mountain which was the starting point of our climb. The fog of the morning enveloped us and the sun is still in its hiding somewhere in the eastern sky. Feelings of nervousness and excitement tried consuming me all at once. Little did I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever do and I swore will never do again. 

    We started with ascending the mountains with slow and steady steps. But then, as we go higher every steep rock and every slippery trail was a struggle. What made the climb even harder was that I have worn the wrong shoes and I had no socks on. I only wore a black sneakers so I could feel sharp rocks underneath. There was a part when I was almost unable to continue because the rocks we had to step on were so slippery and farther from each other.

    My intention for climbing was not a noble one I must admit at that time, I don’t know. I only wanted to fulfill my friend’s wish on her birthday. And partly, I only wanted to prove myself to her. That I am not some weakling. I was so absorbed with the challenge of not being left behind that I failed to slow down and appreciate the mystery and majesty of the nature that was before me. 

    We almost reached the summit. It was noon when we arrived at the top near the summit. It was scorching hot, it’s a good thing there were huts where stayed. We rested for a bit and talked with some of those who seem to be mountaineers as well. Where there was silence in the middle of the woods, there was noise in the huts. People talked incessantly and some laughed with each other. They must have gone camping the night before for they seem to be relaxed while all my muscles are heavy and I was soaked with sweat. 

    After what seemed to be an hour, we got ready to come down the mountain and go home. But before that, we had a birthday celebration for my friend at a falls we were able to pass by descending. I looked around and that was when I heard the wind and felt the mystery of the place we were in. I saw large butterflies flying and heard the silence of the mountains. It was almost a cliche but I felt like I was in another world. All around us are gigantic rocks and foliage almost as green as a water paint. Their roots dangling from in between the rocks. The falls was a white geyser forcefully rushing down. Its  water was chilling but was so refreshing. Somehow, all the tension in my body left me. I wished suddenly that I was alone to meditate and wonder all by myself.

    We finally went down and I realized the skin on my tendons was bleeding. It was scraped because I had no socks on. And my shorts was ripped I just wished no one saw! My whole body was worked up I could feel the heaviness of my steps. Though it was a magical experience, it was more exhausting all the same.

    But I did not know the phrase; “the mountains are calling you” was real when my body longed for the mountains. And so I said yes to my best friend’s invitation to climb the Mount Maynoba again in Rizal. It was a day climb and we started early. By 7 am we were already hiking. It was sunny and the trail was dry and the grass green. I was skipping because it seems to me that it is going to be an easy climb. Boy was I wrong. We weren’t able to go that far that I started to feel nauseous and I felt it was hard to breathe. I felt I am going to faint at any moment and so I sat in the grass. I told my friends what I am feeling. We stopped and I told them to continue on even without me. But one of our mountaineer companions helped me and made me drink a solution for my dehydration and did some massage on me. They even carried my bag for me for a distance until my strength came back. “It is not a race”, I have been told. Indeed it was not. It’s not also an endurance challenge where only the fittest survives. My climb the second time had a spiritual effect on me. I did not exactly know why but maybe it was because I was able to see the skies. The vast sky was blue and the breeze was soft and everything, it seems was revealed to us. The breeze carried along with it the voice of God. It was a soothing and calming voice that spoke to me, “be still and know that I am God.” I even had these realizations:

    “Spend your time, energy and money on those that really matters.”

    “In a place where the only sound you will hear is the sound of the wind, you will be able to hear your heart clearly. Perhaps, you need to be in the mountains when you need to hear your heart and make a decision.”

    “In a place where you are lost among the rocks, woods, trees and falls, the sky is a wide and large mirror of all the good things on earth.”

    Further, I realized that climbing a mountain becomes easier when you are with friends and companions whom you trust will help you and will not leave you when the going gets tough. Climbing a mountain, as cliché as it may seem, is basically like going through life. As they say, braving through a rain becomes a dance in the rain when you are with friends. You have to go through life with the right goal and mindset. You have to focus on the goal; that is to reach the summit without failing to appreciate the journey upwards. You will bleed the first time you do anything that is worth trying because it is not easy but you will become wiser and you will know what to do the second time. (And what to wear  ). You will be better equipped. In going through life, make your faith in God the very essence of your existence. Look for Him in every single thing you do. If you cannot find Him in what you’re doing, you are probably doing the wrong thing.

  • Lessons on Life and Love from ‘Me Before You’

    Jojo Moyes writes of a different love story in her novel Me Before You. It isn’t the typical boy-meets-this-gorgeous-girl-or-girl-meets-this-dashing-man-they-live-happily-ever-after-kind of love story. Of course we love happily ever after love stories but these are stories just like the rest of the others. But even if it does not have a happy ending, Me Before You was so well-written and served its purpose of breaking my heart and also (a bonus) had me raising questions about love and life. It gave me the epiphany that love, in all its complexities is a wave. You carry on through life going through the motions trying to calm the tide every so often then at some point in time; you meet someone who takes you for a ride. Even then, being with the one dear to you throughout this life makes navigating through life a little easier or maybe not… but it will make it a little different and happier that’s for sure. You go along hoping it would last forever with the one who became so dear to you. But suddenly life crashes you to the shore and you find yourself gasping for air and fighting for dear life upon realizing you could not live without that person anymore. Life will never be the same after. You will no longer be the one you used to before them.ocean

    At least that’s what happened to Louisa Clark. An ordinary girl who was used to living a simple life in a small place she calls home. She was comfortable and felt safe leading a life in their town. She had a steady boyfriend, a normal family and a common struggle of finding a stable job. The only thing in her mind was just to find a job that rewards her and that she could love. A job that would not suffocate her, ironically. That was the plan. She was never the type to explore and think of possibilities beyond the things she has been dealt with. There was even a point she did not know what to make of the future since she hadn’t thought about it…yet. She hadn’t had much faith in herself having a sister who seems to be smarter than her. Mundane. Unsurprising. No complications. That was her life before Will Traynor.

    Will Traynor who is a quadriplegic bound to his wheelchair for the rest of his life used to be an adventurer, a clever negotiator, a traveller, a daredevil, and a financial whiz. He was living his life the way he wanted it until he suffered an accident that took away almost everything. Two years before the accident he loved his life. But no longer being able to do the things he used to love, he was determined to end his life after six months even before he met Louisa Clark.

    Then Louisa became his caregiver. They did not instantly like each other and had to endure each other’s existence for very different reasons of their own. Louisa did not like Will because he was “vile” to him and seemed to give her every reason to give up her job. Will did not like Louisa per se; not for her character but who she was to him. In fact, at the end, when Louisa and Will revealed each other what they felt in their last night at Mauritius, I like to believe, Will unknowingly told Louisa he liked her the first time he laid eyes on him despite her crazy dress and shoes. She was hired to look after him which reminded him more of who he no longer is. And he could not accept that and could not live with the fact. I liked that on their first encounter, Moyes did not focus on first impressions and did not take time to describe how Will looked like. How handsome he is despite his conditions. I loved how Moyes at different points of the story let Louisa gave away clues on how handsome he is. Not that how Will looked like mattered but what mattered was that Will grew on Louisa and the intimacy grew between them gradually which made Louisa’s feelings for Will deeper than any first impressions.

    The storytelling was great in making the characters so believable and real especially that of Louisa’s. I found that Moyes not including Will’s point of view in any part of the story makes Will a weak character in the story. And that not including Will’s point of view solidifies his determination to end his life. I found that very effective and clever.

    I liked how it seemed that Will went along with every Louisa’s plans for outings because he wanted her to be happy and to make her see that there is so much more she can do. I liked that without them fully realizing, they were looking after each other after all. It melts my heart every time I remember it.

    I understood Louisa’s resentment towards Will. I even thought Will did not loved Louisa enough to be his reason to stay. And that’s the thing most heartbreaking about Me Before You. What if you fall in love with someone you can never be with for the rest of your life even if you want to so badly? What if you fall for someone who had lost his will to live? But surprisingly, I wanted to fall in love the way Louisa Clark fell in love with Will Traynor. Me Before You is funny and a light read, initially but just like what happened to Louisa falling in love with Will, the story would grow on you until it has the ability to break your heart fully in the end. I was not ready for the ending. The last chapters were heartbreaking but to me they were the most beautiful part of the story. I found myself crying as I am finishing it and then sobbing uncontrollably after I finished it.

    It is also an inspiring read in a way that makes you evaluate how you live your life. Are you like Louisa before Will who seemed to have limited choices? Choices that appear to be limited because of your mindset? Are you like Louisa before Will who doesn’t seem to have the will to push herself further? Or are you Will before Louisa who lives life to the fullest? Will taught me that the possibilities are in front of us and that they are endless. You just have to see them and have the will to reach for them. You just have to push the boundaries that keep you in a box for so long. Paradoxically, Will Traynor chose to give up on pushing boundaries that were set by the wheelchair he was sitting upon. I think it’s where the strength of the book lies. It’s ability to bring out raw and genuine emotions. It’s heartfelt. It’s perfection.

    And for the lines, here are some of my favourite lines:

    “I saw the toddler, reaching out for my hand, the schoolboy weeping tears of fury after being bullied by some other child. I saw the vulnerabilities, the love, the history. That’s what he’s asking me to extinguish-the small child as well as the man-all that love, all that history.”-Camilla Traynor

    “I couldn’t see his mouth but his eyes creased with faint mirth. I wanted to keep them like that. I wanted him to be happy-for his face to lose that haunted, watchful look. I gabbled. I told jokes. I started to hum. Anything to prolong the moment before he looked grim again.”-Louisa Clark

    “I was afraid of what he might be feeling, the depth of his loss, the extent of his fears. Will Traynor’s life had been so far beyond the experience of mine. Who was I to tell him how he should want to live it?”-Louisa Clark

    “You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.”-Will Traynor

    “I worked out what would make me happy, and I worked out what I wanted to do, and I trained myself to do the job that would make those two things happen.”-Will Traynor

    “I will never, ever regret the things I’ve done. Because most days, if you’re stuck in one of these, all you have are the places in your memory that you can go to.”-Will Traynor

    “Some mistakes…just have greater consequences than others. But you don’t have to let that night be the thing that defines you.”-Will Traynor

    “Sometimes, Clark, you are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.”-Will Traynor

    “But I want him to live if he wants to live. If he doesn’t, then by forcing him to carry on, you, me-no matter how much we love him-we become just another shitty bunch of people taking away his choices.”-Nathan

    “I stared out of the window at the bright-blue Swiss sky and I told him a story of two people. Two people who shouldn’t have met, and who didn’t like each other much when they did, but who found they were the only two people in the world who could possibly have understood each other. And I told him of the adventures they had, the places they had gone, and the things they had seen that they had never expected to. I conjured for him electric skies and iridescent seas and evenings full of laughter and silly jokes. I drew a world for him, a world away from a Swiss industrial estate, a world in which he was still somehow the person he had wanted to be. I drew the world he had created for me, full of wonder and possibility. I let him know a hurt had been mended in a way that he couldn’t have known, and for that alone there would always be a piece of me indebted to him. And as I spoke I knew these would be the most important words I would ever say and that it was important that they were the right words, that they were not propaganda, an attempt to change his mind but respectful of what Will had said.”-Louisa Clark

    “…I took his arm and wrapped it lightly around me, threading my own arms and legs around him so that we were tightly entwined. I took his hand-the good one-and wrapped my fingers in his, kissing the knuckles as I felt him squeeze mine. His body was familiar to me now. I knew it in a way I had never known Patrick’s-its strengths and vulnerabilities, its scars and scents. I placed my face so close to his that his features became indistinct, and I began to lose myself in them. I stroked his hair, his skin, his brow with my fingertips, tears sliding unchecked down my cheeks, my nose against his, and all the time he watched me silently, studying me intently as he were storing each molecule of me away…”-Louisa Clark

    “I kissed him, trying to bring him back. I kissed him and let my lips rest against his so that our breath mingled and the tears from my eyes become salt on his skin, and I told myself that, somewhere tiny particles of him would become tiny particles of me, ingested, swallowed, alive, perpetual. I wanted to press every bit of me against him. I wanted to will something into him. I wanted to give him every bit of life I felt and force him to live.”-Louisa Clark

    “So I held him, Will Traynor, ex-financial whiz kid, ex-stunt diver, sportsman, traveller, lover. I held him close and said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh but he was loved.”-Louisa Clark

    “…there is hunger in you Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it like most people do.”-Will Traynor

    “I’m not really telling you to jump off tall buildings, or swim with whales or anything (although I would secretly love to think you were), but to live boldly. Push yourself. Don’t settle. Wear those stripy legs with pride…”-Will Traynor